dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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