Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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