Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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