How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
