My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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