I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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