just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Welp...herpes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
