Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
