You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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