never play flip cup with pint glasses
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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