It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
