I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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