i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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