the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize