my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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