why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
