I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
