I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
