I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
