i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
