I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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