some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
