Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
