so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
