I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
