I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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