The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
