You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
