Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
