don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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