you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize