fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize