i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
