i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
