who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Banned from zoo.
Again?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
