My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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