dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
