My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This house was built for laser tag.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
