i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
