I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
