dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
