Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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