I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
