When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize