to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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