You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
