I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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