I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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