I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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