in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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