I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
