Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
