You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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