Barsexuality is the new black.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
