go do what you do best...puke behind churches
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
