my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Sober January is a disaster.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
