There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
