i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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