apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
