I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
