I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
