last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
