i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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