Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
